Recently I came to you for answers to my health questions. You did several tests that gave indications I may have some kidney/bladder stones or possibly involvement of that word that starts with C. Needing to rule out all the above you had me scheduled for a bladder scan.
I arrived on time and ready to get this mess done with.
So, I fill out forms, gave a little cup of pee, ( more on my hand than in that Dixie cup).
Whoa is me.
Washed my hand, restored my self respect to go back out and sit among others waiting to go back and pee on their hands, I look to see if anyone noticed my twitching nerves.
They didn't.
They were thumb thumping/screen scrolling their phones.
Relax Earline...................
Door opens..................
"CREWS !
I go,
" Mrs Crews"?
"Yes"!
" Earline Crews"?
" Till death do I part".
" I'll need your weight, step on here".
The numbers scatter and settle.
" One hundred and ninety two pounds"
" Was one hundred and ninety five before I peed on my hand".
"Huh"?
" Take off your clothes, wrap with this cover, lay back on that table, the doctor will be in momentarily".
Momentarily means between an hour or overtime.
I look at the paper covering, and wonder what I should cover that is pocket handkerchief size.
I decided you, dear doctor, would not be offended if I kept my clothes on above my waist. The temperature in this room was hovering just above a blue frost and my bladder would be invaded way down there in my nether regions.
So..............
Take it or leave it doctor, that’s all I'm giving.
I lay there with my dignity freezing while the staff sets up for the invasion.
They come and go at will.
The exam table was situated so as to allow my big old one hundred and ninety two pound hindquarters showing all the way to Christmas.
I readjust my paper napkin.
The door standing open more than closed as those professionals scurry in and out to allow the other peed handed patients to look right into my personal space as they stream by to get their turn at this.
" I know they looked, but they won't be able to recognize my face, but won't be able to unsee my junk".
The sweet young doctor with a bedside manner of my own Grandma Minnie Smith asks me questions that have nothing to do with my reason for laying here half nakid and freezing. Things like, what I got for Christmas, my last password, how long was my first childbirth and if my last check had bounced?
Loud laughing after I told him about how dry a spell I'm in.
That sweet doctor said everything looked good.
Doctor always lie that way when they never once looked anywhere except into the patients eyes.
How do they know that?
Nothing in that area has ever looked good.
Before I knew it he was pulling off his gloves and told me to get dressed and wait for the staff to check me out.
Now is where you need to listen,
DEAR DOCTOR,
I'm needing to pee so badly because of that gallon of water you poured in through that tubing so as to watch the monitor and better see things not supposed to be in there.
I'm OLD and needing help to even raise myself up off this exam table. I rump and grunt to set up while water pours out of me because my pucker was taken away years ago by childbirth, heavy lifting from hard work and the ravages of old age.
I stand to feel pee pouring down my skinny old cellulite rippled, ropey vein legs.
My socks are soaking most as my shoes show wet while the floor is left in need of mopping.
I shuffle over to the supply cabinet and claw out some paper coverings to dry myself. I put back on my cotton Jockeys and my slacks while feeling in need of a cleansing bath.
I left a pile of soaked covering on your exam room table and the floor left sopping wet looking like the ceiling may have sprung a leak.
I also left without a dab of dignity, but with the secure feeling that Medicare ( primary) and BCBS of Alabama ( secondary) will get billed for the excess paper gowns I used to dry myself.
I asked you up front when we started this journey if this would be what you recommended for your wife or Mama.
Your answer was, "Yes".
Let me tell you something important.
" Never treat your wife or your Mama like a patient".
